Bonnie, I am well beyond the age of tryst, so maybe that is why I can’t fathom the apparent flèche and riposte that pervades the dating scene today — especially in the preliminary stages!
I don’t think I am being naive. The meme of Don Juan and Casanova are as old as civilization. Young men have always desired being irresistible to women and “conquering” as many nubile prospects as they can — otherwise known as “one-night-stands.” But the operative word in that sentence is, “young.” Maturity eschews the shallow pursuits.
Yes, mature men still imagine a carnal possibility with the women in their life, but they realize that a relationship must travel well beyond the sensual to have any long-term value. They realize that friendship and companionship are prized jewels which trump short-term sensation.
The narrative of your journey with the-guy-from-Dallas seems to indicate a casualness of affection and a trivial attitude in today’s dating protocols, that I am not familiar with. The sad realization is that the people who are looking for friendship, companionship, and love (people like you) are the least likely to find it because the cards are stacked against them. Dallas-man and others like him are unable to appreciate the value to be found in converging souls, and they eschew “relationships” in favor of “conquests.”
Some men would argue that it is impossible to “just be friends” with a woman, and they use that frame of reference when excusing their lascivious behavior. The movie, “When Harry Met Sally,” explores this proposition at length. Did that movie solve the conundrum? You’ll have to decide for yourself.
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.Sally Albright: Why not?Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.Harry Burns: No you don't.Sally Albright: Yes I do.Harry Burns: No you don't.Sally Albright: Yes I do.Harry Burns: You only think you do.Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.Sally Albright: They do not.Harry Burns: Do too.Sally Albright: They do not.Harry Burns: Do too.Sally Albright: How do you know?Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail them too.Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.Harry Burns: I guess not.Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.
Regardless of whether friendship is common between men and women, it is a necessary ingredient of any long-term relationship (and is quite beneficial for short-term ones, as well). That is why the Lotharios feign friendship in order to pursue their prurient interests (much like your “crash-and-burn interaction” with Dallas-man). I have to say that I am surprised that Mr. Dallas got as far as he did.
Your instincts were screaming, and you said all of the right things to make sure that he understood your mindset. But even up until the last you seemed to be somewhat vulnerable to his crass and transparent suggestions.
From my standpoint, just reading about this encounter, I could see that this guy had a script. But your innate goodness was giving him the benefit of the doubt. You wanted to believe. You even relented and “ we did go out a couple of times.” Ultimately, though, your wariness paid off (though your tears echoed how disappointed you were, how betrayed you must have felt, and how hard it was for you to finally admit that Dallas-man was a jerk).
There are a lot of lessons which people of all genders :-) can learn from your experience. You have laid bare your psyche and your pursuit of romance for everyone to see, and I commend you for your candor. I feel privileged to have encountered you, even in such a distant fashion.
While Dallas-man and his ilk seem determined to perpetuate the baser instincts of mankind, you, and those like you, will keep seeking heartfelt, soulful interactions. Should you succeed and prevail, society and culture will be the beneficiaries. Your goodness is tipping the scale in favor of all the things that make life more than just existence.
Thank you!
